Have you ever took a day off and wanted that day to go a certain way but then it not go that way? Yeah that happened to me today. I took today off to celebrate Ostara. This week was spring break for my area so vacation was hard to come by this week but I was able to take today off. A much needed day off I must add.
The morning went just like I had wanted. I got my side mirror fixed on my car, and went to the gym for 2 hours. I was sore from working out last night and maybe I should have waited to go but I went with a friend and was able to get in some friend time and gym time all at the same time.
My plans for the afternoon didn't go like I had wanted. I was planning to make a much needed video explaining where I have been the past two months, that didn't happen. I was planning to take a drive in the country and maybe even take a walk by the lake that I love so much, that didn't happen. I was planning to spend some alone time with just me and my thoughts and Albert, my cat, that didn't happen. What did happen was my brother ended up coming over and using the computer for a few hours and had his gaming stuff so loud that it came though my bedroom wall. What did happen was that I laid down for a short nap and slept all afternoon.
I will admit that I tried to make a video in the 30 minutes of alone time I did have after I woke up but even that didn't turn out like I wanted. I was really surprised with what I started to say, even though it was the truth. When I looked at how bad I looked in video I knew I had to get what I needed to say out. I also know that its time to make a change because what I was saying is true, I am dying inside if I don't make that change and get back on track now. Let me explain.
When Teddy died a couple months ago part of me died too. I didn't know how much a part of my soul Teddy was and still is. I have had pets die my whole life but Teddy was more then just a cat, he was my better half. Since his passing I haven't been doing anything spiritual. I haven't lit a single candle, I don't have an altar set up, nothing. I have kept certain people in prayer like always but that's it. I haven't connected with the Goddess in the past two months either. I haven't turned my back, I just haven't made the effort to do anything.
What I have done is put all my energy into working out and eating right. Now those things are great! I love working out! I love making healthy food choices and feeling great instead of eating fatty and sweet food and having a food crash. I am pretty sure that is what happened when I ate some frozen yogurt, it was to much dairy and sweet compared to what I am used to eating and I crashed!
What I need to do is work out, eat right and still be spiritual. Somehow I need to find the right combination of all three and right now that is what I am having problems with.
Losing my spiritual side isn't the only thing I have lost, I also lost contact with many of my friends online. I have been on FB but not. I go on there and play one game, just one stupid game! I will sometimes look and see how others are doing, I will update from time to time on my life but I'm not really there. That game is addicting and I cant seem to give it up yet. Ugggg
My plan of action on how to fix everything? I'm not sure. Honestly I don't. I need more time in the day for one. I work, come home for an hour and eat and then head to the gym. I get home late and I have an hour or two maybe at night to be online and all the other things I need to do at home. Then I sleep, well if you call it sleep. I am up at least a couple times at night. I cant remember the last time I slept a full straight eight hours or even more then four hours at a time.
That is where I am at right now. This is who I am right now.
